I was texting with this boy last night. That boy. The one who was always sort of, well, really quite honestly, a douche. And he sends these few, that make me go, what do I want. Seriously. That's what my boyfriend asks me all the time. Are you sure you want this. Are you sure you want me. You need to be sure. But back to the douche thing. Maybe not such a douche, maybe I was just crazy. Ahh, whatever. Either way it doesn't really matter all that much. All you need to know is he lives 1200 miles away, in my hometown.

ahem.

1) Thats true but we didnt meet up enough and to be honest i knew if we went too far physically that it would end up hurting you...

to which I said how would it be any different now.

2) i think we would meet up more. i have more stability now. and maybe not having a bf would help you grow as a person.

to w hich I said how do you have more stability

3) i have a more steady income and a set schedule.. sometimes always having someone elses crap to deal with takes away from your own.

It all made me cry. Not that I want to run away from my boyfriend to be some sort of weird non friend with benefits with this guy who already hurt me badly in the past, whether he meant to or not. But because I don't have any friends, really. They say you are lucky to have one or two true friends in your lifetime. But that doesn't make it easier when you realize the few people who stay in touch with you wanted to sleep with you at one point in time. So it's like, is their advice honest? Or would they prefer you be single again so you could get sucked into their compliments when it works out well for them?

Really, you can only depend on yourself.

That's one thing my mom told me for years that I've only started to truly take into account over the past few years of my life.

Part of me wants to move back to California. I feel like the northwest is full of passive aggressive douches, where my hometown was full of just full on douches. But at least they were to your face aggressive. Not sweet to your face and secretly plotting your destruction. And not thinking we all need to be vegans who wear organic everything and spend way too much money on cheese at whole foods. But the grass is always greener on the other side. I had severe depression in california, I still didn't have some huge dependable group of pals, it was just different bullshit in a different, less rainy environment. And to be honest, I hate the sun.

Other reasons I don't know the northwest works for me? Well, I don't camp. I drink milk. I eat meat. I think Keens are very very ugly shoes.

I love that I can live close to downtown. That I dont have to drive. Not that I ever learned. That I have a decent job. Not the best job. I'm owned by a giant corporation, but at least this one pays me enough to pay rent, and to feed high quality cat food to Venus and Sabira. I love walking to shows and not having to spend two hours on a bus because I can't afford to live closer, or a car to at least drive to things.

I feel a lot better getting all that off my chest, and onto my keyboard.

Today;

those apple bottom jeans, the boots with the fur.